Warning: This post....is intense and emotional for me. It's not one of my regular posts.
Happy Wednesday everyone :) Sorry I haven't had a post for a week! I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving, and if you went Black Friday shopping I hope you came home with awesome deals! Friday I was busy spending time with my husband, but I would have told you, I'm not happy with how I did on Thanksgiving, well I am...but I'm not at the same time. I had one spoon full of mashed potatoes -and you guys probably don't know mashed potatoes are my WEAKNESS I could do a whole plate of just that. So one spoon was good for me, and I had one roll, some dressing, a few slices of ham -I don't like Turkey-, and lots of green beans. Then I was doing really well not eating any of the desserts there...until I saw there was a banana pudding thing. I ended up sharing some with my hubby :( I was fine with eating a roll, I bought whole wheat so I could have one. but I didn't want to have dressing, mashed potatoes OR dessert. What I am happy about, is I didn't even have one plate full of food, and half of that food was the green beans. So that's still good for Thanksgiving - but I still ate too much. I didn't gain weight that day, but the next day I did gain. It wasn't a big number at all...but not losing the day before added with that put me back a bit. I didn't do bad on my diet on Friday...but I did have a hot chocolate. A hot chocolate and doing perfect on my diet. Anyway if you couldn't tell I was more than frustrated. It's cold out and I love to be able to have a hot chocolate, not every day of course but sometimes. And yes you could say I can just have tea? But I have tea EVERY DAY. I want a hot chocolate sometimes!!!! :( Anyway that had upset me, so I didn't really pay attention to what I ate the rest of the weekend. -I don't know why I do that, I've always been an emotional eater (i.e. after the miscarriage) but it's frustrating I don't want to be like that- I didn't gain or lose anything this weekend which of course put me back a little bit more. SO that was this weekend...
Then my hubby and I had a very long very emotional talk Monday night. Ever since the miscarriage I'm constantly asking him to help me with my diet, because I've been finding it harder and harder to do it. I know I've talked about this a few times, and then I think....Okay! I got it now and I'm gonna push through this! And I'm sure you've all seen in my posts that I'm still really struggling. Struggling with gaining weight when I do perfect on my diet, struggling with when I gain weight just eating something I shouldn't. Struggling with not being able to say no to bad foods. So he finally just told me, "Either you're on your diet or you're not." that pulled me up short, I hadn't been expecting anything like that from him, and that started a 3 hour talk about what's going on with me. I found out a lot about me that night and I'll tell you, it's funny how much you can lie to yourself.
I've been telling everyone, including myself, that I'm fine with the most recent miscarriage and that I'm getting on with my life. And the truth is I'm not. At all apparently. For some reason -subconsciously- I'm just not letting go. Also, I know this isn't true, but I can't stop thinking that my miscarriages are my fault; and honestly, it's really messing with me. I feel like such a big part of me died when that happened, and I can't find that part of me anymore no matter how hard I try. And in there, is the part of me that gets me to push on, know what I want and go for it. It's like I can't find the me that wants to do something for me to make me happy; and that includes my diet and losing weight. I want to, but I can't find it in me to try to do it. I eat healthy, I don't eat a lot. I still eat anywhere from 900-1200 calories in a day. But if a cookie is in front of me, I can't find a reason not to eat it. Anyway there's a lot more to that story, but I can't figure out the words to put it out there.
So that was Monday and I've been dealing with that ever since. It's been really hard, that realization brought with it a lot of hard emotions and truths I didn't want to admit. I've been waiting for something since then to help me heal and get through this. -I know...it's been two months since the miscarriage and I should already be past this point, but I didn't take time to heal then. I just focused on putting it out of my mind instead of dealing with it- So then The Biggest Loser came on last night, but I didn't watch it until I opened up my computer to write this. I'd already seen the results so I just had it on and was kinda going in and out. Then the part where they put all their weight back on and had to do the step-ups and mile came on. At that point I was writing my post and it had something to do with I'm having a hard time right now, please understand I need some time. There might not be another post until next week...and then I hear this song coming from the TV. So I stopped typing and listened more...next thing I know I have tears streaming down my face. I went and downloaded it on iTunes really fast so I could hear the whole thing and then I started crying harder. It's called "Breathe" by Ryan Star. Here is part of the song:
"Breathe, just breathe, take the world off your shoulders and put it on me. Breathe, just breathe, let the life that you live be all that you need. Let go of the fear, let go of the doubt, let go of the ones that try to put you down. You're gonna be fine, don't hold it inside, if you hurt right now then let it all come out."
I really needed that song to come into my life. Thank you Biggest Loser. After that I deleted everything and started over. You guys need to know my struggles...that's what my whole blog is about! And me not telling you of my struggles is what got me to the place I was at on Monday. Not able to do anything for myself, not able to let go, not able to find the me who could push through this weight issue. So now I'm healing, and I'm praying I can put all of Molly back together. My husband is amazing, and he's been nothing but supportive and there for me. Thank you Cory :) and thank you for that simple sentence that made me learn so much.
I've been putting my difficult times, and struggles aside because I "needed to lose weight before I saw my family again." in the end it did nothing but backfire. So family...I don't know where I'll be at Christmas. I'm still hoping I'll be where I was when Mom came in July. But until I fix myself, I can't conquer this mountain known as my weight.
You know how I knew it just got to be too much? On Monday and yesterday I did perfect on my diet. I MEAN PERFECT. Perfect perfect. I walked 2 miles Monday, and 1 mile yesterday. You know what? I gained 1.5 pounds. I ate 1100 calories both days. 1.5 pounds. There's definitely something wrong there right? I'm still going to be eating healthy and sticking to the Thyroid Diet as much as possible. But I can't be focused on that right now, it can't be my only goal. I have my life, my emotions, and my sanity to focus on. I hope you guys agree that I need to have those in order in order to make my life about losing weight. I WILL CONTINUE my blogging every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. and I will continue to let you know how I'm doing with my weight loss. But my blog will also be about how I'm doing. So let's get this weight off my shoulders so I can lose the weight in my stomach eh? :) I love you all. Thank you for being there.
Until next time :)
Molly,
ReplyDeleteI've been exactly where you are with your miscarriage. It was one of the hardest things to deal with. I will tell you that one of the best things I ever did was talk about it with my friends, co-workers, etc. I didn't try to hide how hard it was. So I encourage you to do the same, even two months after the fact. You may still have hard times in the weeks/months to come but talking will help. Your cyber-friends are all here to listen. And don't forget that it is ok to cry. I cannot count the # of times that I just cried and cried over our loss in the shower. It was my private moment to let it all go. Don't be afraid to do that as well.
Lorrie
Hi Molly. I have had two miscarriages - we went through fertility treatment for three years, which is how I found out I was hypothyroid. To be honest, you never get over it. My last one was over five years ago, and I still cry sometimes. I felt like you did - like it was my fault. It took me a LONG time to realize nothing could be further from the truth. You will get there - you just gotta hang in there and let it out when you need to. You also do not realize how COMMON miscarriages are until you start talking to other women.
ReplyDeleteOn a related note...... My husband and I got sick and tired of fertility treatment - shots twice a day, blood work all the time, ultrasounds... blah blah blah. The doctors started talking to us about in vitro. I told my husband, "I am NOT paying thousands of dollars to have another miscarriage!" So, we decided to spend thousands of dollars and adopt. Best thing ever! Our daughter is four, and she is the joy in our lives. I know you may not even be contemplating that at this time, but if you ever start considering it, please feel free to contact me at susierw@sbcglobal.net. In the meantime, this website might be very useful to you. Tons of great info: http://www.resolve.org/ It is a great website about "infertility," which is a lot more complex than many doctors realize and are able to treat effectively. They are the ones who held the adoption conference that brought us to our daughter. :-)
Best of luck and hang in there!!!!!!! :-) Susie
I know where you are coming from. I had 3 miscarriages and you need time to deal with what happened. There is no set time to "get over it". You have to be emotionally healthy to be able to get physically healthy. As I read your blog it was like looking in a mirror. I didn't want to talk about it, ate my feelings and then hated myself for doing it. Hang in there talk to your husband, best friend or your pet (who keeps everything confidential). You will get back on track and you can count on all of us to cheer you on.
ReplyDeleteMolly, grieving does not happen at a specific rate, it depends on the individual and you will recover but in your own time. I will be praying for you as I know God can and will help you. Feel free to say whatever you want here, I will be reading it and waiting for the day you feel better.
ReplyDeletepraying for you. you are an inspiration! take care and God bless!
ReplyDeleteMolly, I love how transparent you are in this recent blog. I think there are some people out there who really need to hear what you're saying, and obviously there a lots of other people who have been there and suffered through the same loss. I personally have not, but I am a perfectionist that has hypothyroidism. This is a deadly combination because it is so easy to get defeated when you do not lose weight or gain weight when you're trying to do "perfect" on your diet. I am not the best example of how to diet by no means, but I have learned it does no good to "diet", lose weight, and then find it is impossible to maintain that so I have shifted focus. I no longer "diet". I'm just learning how to eat normally on a daily basis making healthier choices and fitting in exercise. I want something that I don't have to think about, that I don't have to count. At this time of healing, instead of adding something else to the line-up to beat yourself up over, maybe you can just shift focus for a while. I will be honest and say that my weight has been slow (painfully slow) in coming off. In fact, I have been on a major plateau for a while, but I have not gained weight and at this point having hypothyroidism and PCOS, I find that to be HUGE acheivement. I'm just wondering if you shift your focus that will help you with your healing process because right now it seems that you are adding grief to hidden grief without realizing it. Whatever you decide, good luck to you and thank you for being completely honest and transparent with us.
ReplyDeleteThank you to all of you :)
ReplyDeleteMolly,
ReplyDeleteYou NEVER get over it and be glad for that, it honors the spirit of your child, but you will learn to live with it once you allow yourself to never get over it. Oh, and you won't see the result of a good or bad diet day until three days later. So if you have a good two days in a row, the scale should reward you about day five or so. Ever notice that waiting and humans don't go well together? I learned not to count the weigh-ins from day to day or week to week, it was what the scale said at the end of the month that was my goal. If it was down, great! If it was the same, I counted that as a win too. If it was up, I committed to one easy change for the following month. That usually got me off the dreaded "plateau". Food is just energy, that cookie is energy so when you eat it, remind yourself that now you have extra energy and then do something fun with it! Go dancing, have more sex, walk the mall, play tag with a kid, even if its only five mintues (longer if its sex, hehehe). That takes that sabotaging guilt out of the picture. Try it, it really works.
A hypo 80lbs down, 20lbs up but now holding steady for 5 yrs @ 52 years old.
GREAT BIG HUGZ
Thank you :) You know I think I'm going to go from every day to every week weighing...or counting it at least haha. Thank you for your post that helped so much!
ReplyDelete