IT'S ALMOST CHRISTMASSSSSSSS! And I can't wait! My hubby and I will be in California for the next week spending time with my family :) That also means there will not be a new post until the new year! I hope you all have an amazing Christmas and Happy New Year as well! I can't wait to see what 2011 has in store for my life, and I'm sure it will be fabulous!
I'm hoping some time soon after 2011 has started, I will be ready to get back on track with actively trying to lose weight! In 2010 I lost 55 pounds and I managed to keep almost 3/4 of that weight off, even with the very trying time of having my second miscarriage!! **My first post of the new year -also post #100!- will say how much I weigh on January 1, 2011. (Remember I was 330 lbs on January 1, 2010)
You all saw how I beat myself up so much after gaining some of that weight back, and struggling with myself to diet again. And you were all there for me through it all, now I can finally see it how you guys saw did. Yes I did gain some weight back, but that's still a LOT of weight off my body, and looking at it that way... I'm so EXCITED! OH OH OH OH!! And get this:: This is the VERY FIRST year in 7 years that I have ended up being lighter, rather than heavier at the end of the year!! Can you believe it?! No matter how the end of this year went for me that's still a huge accomplishment, as any hypothyroid patient knows!
Well I guess that's all for now. I love you all, you mean the world to me! Happy Holidays from Cory and I! Until next time :)
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
98.
Half way through the work week! I'm quite excited if you couldn't tell! Tonight I have some people on my Scentsy team coming over to chill for a bit, tomorrow is my hubby's work Christmas party (which I'm really excited about...we all go out all the time, they are the best group of people!) Friday is my hubby's last day of work for over 2 weeks! -jealous...but now he can help with chores hahaha!- and this weekend is last minute shopping for our Cali trip, and I'm getting my hair and nails done! So once I leave work today I'll be busy busy which means the next week will go by fast! Yay!
Weight loss is truckin along...not going very fast but I'm losing small amounts each day so that's good :) I'm actually really sick again :( I started feeling it this weekend, but it wasn't too bad just annoying. But today it hit me like a semi and I look&feel horrible! Because of that this post won't be too long, I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes open and I'm at work! Yikes! Well I hope you all have a wonderful day! Until next time :)
Weight loss is truckin along...not going very fast but I'm losing small amounts each day so that's good :) I'm actually really sick again :( I started feeling it this weekend, but it wasn't too bad just annoying. But today it hit me like a semi and I look&feel horrible! Because of that this post won't be too long, I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes open and I'm at work! Yikes! Well I hope you all have a wonderful day! Until next time :)
Monday, December 13, 2010
97.
HAPPY MONDAY! How did your weekends go? Ours was wonderful! Spent some time with my cousin and her baby Saturday afternoon, hung out with friends that night and then Sunday was all me and my hubby! We finally put up the Christmas tree! We weren't going to, because we'll be out of state for Christmas, but my hubbs saw how much I wanted to put it up so we did :) It looks BEAUTIFUL!
I didn't lose or gain anything this weekend, but I'm fine with that. Every day I realize more and more how I messed everything up, and how much I need this time to heal and re-think the whole diet situation. I actually ordered the fat flush smoothie shake down and it will probably be coming at the end of this week. Next week I'll start it but I won't continue it on my Christmas vacay. Not that I don't think I could, but our lovely Mary Shomon told me not to. She said "just go be with your family, enjoy it and enjoy the food. Don't eat a plate of cookies, but don't worry about it either. Continue on the smoothie shake down when you get back to give you a jump start and see what happens after." Well...sounds good to me! I will do exactly as she said, I won't go crazy, but I won't worry about it either.
I had so much energy this morning, which was a PERFECT way to start a Monday and a week. I was actually planning on not doing a thing but I needed a pair of jeans washed...next thing you know I have all of our clothes, towels and my hubby's uniforms (4 loads of laundry) done and put away, all the dishes from this weekend cleaned and put away, the dog walked, our wifi fixed...and I'm sitting there waiting to go to work an hour early! I'm still shocked! Well anyway. I hope you all had a great weekend and Monday! Until next time :)
I didn't lose or gain anything this weekend, but I'm fine with that. Every day I realize more and more how I messed everything up, and how much I need this time to heal and re-think the whole diet situation. I actually ordered the fat flush smoothie shake down and it will probably be coming at the end of this week. Next week I'll start it but I won't continue it on my Christmas vacay. Not that I don't think I could, but our lovely Mary Shomon told me not to. She said "just go be with your family, enjoy it and enjoy the food. Don't eat a plate of cookies, but don't worry about it either. Continue on the smoothie shake down when you get back to give you a jump start and see what happens after." Well...sounds good to me! I will do exactly as she said, I won't go crazy, but I won't worry about it either.
I had so much energy this morning, which was a PERFECT way to start a Monday and a week. I was actually planning on not doing a thing but I needed a pair of jeans washed...next thing you know I have all of our clothes, towels and my hubby's uniforms (4 loads of laundry) done and put away, all the dishes from this weekend cleaned and put away, the dog walked, our wifi fixed...and I'm sitting there waiting to go to work an hour early! I'm still shocked! Well anyway. I hope you all had a great weekend and Monday! Until next time :)
Friday, December 10, 2010
96.
Happy Friday everyone :) I hope you're excited for this weekend, do you have anything fun going on? I'm going to spend time with the hubbs and some friends hopefully!
Weight loss is going pretty well actually, I've lost a bit of weight this week and I'm quite excited about that. Actually my entire post was going to be my excitement on that subject, but then I got to work and I had a message waiting from a friend...
This friend is going through a lot of what I am currently going through, and every few weeks we see how each other is doing. She was speaking with a friend about her recent miscarriage, and a manager of a bookstore overheard them and recommended a song to her. She said this just happened yesterday, and it's already helping her cope; she hoped it would help me. I got on iTunes and listened to a clip then immediately downloaded it. I pulled up the lyrics and read along until the tears pouring out of my eyes made it impossible to see. This song is so emotional, but it gives me so much hope and I can't help but be happy when I hear it. Does that sound weird? Well now I have that song, and Breathe by Ryan Starr on repeat and I'm having a -now- quiet emotional time in my office. And I can feel things changing. Friend...thank you, a thousand times thank you.
The song is Glory Baby by Watermark. I can't even give you a clip of the song...I need to do the entire thing:
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…
Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…
BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…
Until next time friends.
Weight loss is going pretty well actually, I've lost a bit of weight this week and I'm quite excited about that. Actually my entire post was going to be my excitement on that subject, but then I got to work and I had a message waiting from a friend...
This friend is going through a lot of what I am currently going through, and every few weeks we see how each other is doing. She was speaking with a friend about her recent miscarriage, and a manager of a bookstore overheard them and recommended a song to her. She said this just happened yesterday, and it's already helping her cope; she hoped it would help me. I got on iTunes and listened to a clip then immediately downloaded it. I pulled up the lyrics and read along until the tears pouring out of my eyes made it impossible to see. This song is so emotional, but it gives me so much hope and I can't help but be happy when I hear it. Does that sound weird? Well now I have that song, and Breathe by Ryan Starr on repeat and I'm having a -now- quiet emotional time in my office. And I can feel things changing. Friend...thank you, a thousand times thank you.
The song is Glory Baby by Watermark. I can't even give you a clip of the song...I need to do the entire thing:
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…
Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…
BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
95.
HAPPY WEDNESDAY!!! This week is half way done! YES! It's not even just to get to the weekend. I'm just ready for this whole week to go away! How are you guys doing? I'm feeling pretty fabulous lately I'm not going to lie! I've actually still continued to weigh daily. But I only did because I wasn't dreading it. It was more of a "Hey I guess I'll step on the scale this morning!" kind of thing. We'll get to how the results were in a bit. But here's my week:
Monday actually went pretty well. I knew I was going to a Mexican restaurant that night for a dinner meeting, and I decided that I really wanted the food. So I chose what I was going to eat that day according to fullness. Not calories. I ate pretty well and when the meeting came I ate my chips and my dinner, though I didn't finish it. I took my time eating it and I only got about half way in before I just couldn't take another bite. But I enjoyed every bit of it!
Tuesday went really well too! I ate my food that I normally would on my diet and was at a friends house when she pulled out pound cake slices. They looked amazing and I was pretty hungry because I hadn't had dinner so I broke off a corner of one slice, ate it and then closed the lid. She opened it again to take more so I went to sit on the couch. Yes I was still hungry, but I knew I was eating dinner later...and I got my taste of it so that was all I needed. And honestly it didn't bug me that I didn't take more. I didn't think of it as..."Oh! I can't have that" Honestly that made all the difference. I let myself know I could have it, I just only needed a little though. Then I ate dinner later which was pretty darn delicious. But an hour later I was still hungry so the hubbs and I had some popcorn!
So then Tuesday morning I stepped on the scale and I had actually lost a little bit of weight on Monday. I was shocked. Normally I gain weight when I eat Mexican food! Then today I step on the scale and I had lost more than 2 pounds yesterday! I just looked at Cory and said "no way!" I got on again to make sure it was correct and it was! So I'm feeling pretty good! I'm still working to not make it a forced diet, but I think I'm doing pretty well so far!
Anyway! I hope you all have a wonderful day! until next time :)
Monday actually went pretty well. I knew I was going to a Mexican restaurant that night for a dinner meeting, and I decided that I really wanted the food. So I chose what I was going to eat that day according to fullness. Not calories. I ate pretty well and when the meeting came I ate my chips and my dinner, though I didn't finish it. I took my time eating it and I only got about half way in before I just couldn't take another bite. But I enjoyed every bit of it!
Tuesday went really well too! I ate my food that I normally would on my diet and was at a friends house when she pulled out pound cake slices. They looked amazing and I was pretty hungry because I hadn't had dinner so I broke off a corner of one slice, ate it and then closed the lid. She opened it again to take more so I went to sit on the couch. Yes I was still hungry, but I knew I was eating dinner later...and I got my taste of it so that was all I needed. And honestly it didn't bug me that I didn't take more. I didn't think of it as..."Oh! I can't have that" Honestly that made all the difference. I let myself know I could have it, I just only needed a little though. Then I ate dinner later which was pretty darn delicious. But an hour later I was still hungry so the hubbs and I had some popcorn!
So then Tuesday morning I stepped on the scale and I had actually lost a little bit of weight on Monday. I was shocked. Normally I gain weight when I eat Mexican food! Then today I step on the scale and I had lost more than 2 pounds yesterday! I just looked at Cory and said "no way!" I got on again to make sure it was correct and it was! So I'm feeling pretty good! I'm still working to not make it a forced diet, but I think I'm doing pretty well so far!
Anyway! I hope you all have a wonderful day! until next time :)
Monday, December 6, 2010
94.
Happy Monday everyone! I hope you had great weekends! I feel like lately I don't get much of a weekend but it's good to get caught up on stuff! So I actually lost weight this weekend! And I'm pretty surprised because I didn't do the best with eating, nor did I try to focus on the diet. This weekend was so hectic, and spending hours helping friends move out of the house we didn't eat the best! I lost exactly half a pound though so I was actually pretty excited! I was not looking forward to that time on the scale.
With me trying to make this a lifestyle change, first thing that has to go is weighing in every morning. It stresses me out even if I know I did well the day before! And now I'm trying to focus my life on different things, and IT STILL STRESSES ME OUT! So I'll be weighing in every Monday and letting you know how I did for the week, not the day. -I'll still blog three times a week- I'm hoping that will take some of the tension away. If it backfires and I ended up gaining more weight because I'm not stepping on it everyday, then I will definitely go back to doing so!
I can feel my break-through coming. My poor husband has to deal with it though. Haha. I've been quite angry this last week...any little thing has set me off. But I know my anger comes first, then the sadness, and finally the healing. So it's coming and I'm ready for it! Hopefully once that has all finished...that little part of me that wants to actually focus on losing weight will click and I'll get to it. Continue praying for me friends, I definitely need it and thank you again for being there! Until next time :)
With me trying to make this a lifestyle change, first thing that has to go is weighing in every morning. It stresses me out even if I know I did well the day before! And now I'm trying to focus my life on different things, and IT STILL STRESSES ME OUT! So I'll be weighing in every Monday and letting you know how I did for the week, not the day. -I'll still blog three times a week- I'm hoping that will take some of the tension away. If it backfires and I ended up gaining more weight because I'm not stepping on it everyday, then I will definitely go back to doing so!
I can feel my break-through coming. My poor husband has to deal with it though. Haha. I've been quite angry this last week...any little thing has set me off. But I know my anger comes first, then the sadness, and finally the healing. So it's coming and I'm ready for it! Hopefully once that has all finished...that little part of me that wants to actually focus on losing weight will click and I'll get to it. Continue praying for me friends, I definitely need it and thank you again for being there! Until next time :)
Friday, December 3, 2010
93.
Happy Friday everyone :) I hope this day starts a wonderful weekend! Mine should be pretty good! I might be taking a quick trip to Temple, TX with a friend to help her move stuff back here, and I have a Scentsy party Saturday night that I'm very excited for! Have you guys checked out my Scentsy site? I have a link up top but here it is My Scentsy Site!
I don't know about the rest of you but I happen to be one of those people who loves the Twilight Saga. To be honest I love the books much more than the movies, in my opinion, I think they could have chosen better actors BUT because I love the books so much, I can't help but love the movies regardless of the acting skill. So the third movie is coming out in stores tonight at midnight and I'm pretty excited - it's definitely the best one so far, acting isn't incredible awful! So all of that to say: my hubby knows how much I love it, and although he's not a fan...we're spending Sunday watching the first three movies on the couch :) hahahaha. poor guy! But he's so wonderful :) I think the only reason he agreed to that is because he's secretly in love with the girl who plays Alice ;) If you've never read or watched them before and are interested: START WITH THE BOOKS!!!! And here is one thing: I'm not into Vampires and stuff like that, never have been. But this isn't the intense Vampireness of say True Blood. It's kind of the back story, the main part of these books is the love story and it is incredible!
Okay enough of Twilight. So I actually wasn't able to weigh this morning, when I woke up there was a text from my boss saying the other lady I work with was sick and they needed me to come in early. I was out of bed and out the door within 12 minutes! Pretty proud of myself :) But obviously couldn't weigh, I did weigh yesterday however and I did lose...but don't get excited it was .1 pound. hahaha. I'm doing well on my diet, obviously it's not my main focus but I'm trying to turn it into a life style other than a diet. I used to think of it as a lifestyle until I wanted to do my crunch time and that changed it all. So that's where I am with the diet, as for my healing time. I'm not there yet...I'm not sure I know how to start the process right now. I know if I would have been normal and started it two months ago I would have been fine. Now? Not so much. And I know I'll never get over this, I'm still not over the first one. But I did move on from the first one. I need to get to the point where I can move on from the second one. Anyway thank you all for your comments and encouragement, it meant SO much to me :) I love you all! Have a great weekend! Until next time
I don't know about the rest of you but I happen to be one of those people who loves the Twilight Saga. To be honest I love the books much more than the movies, in my opinion, I think they could have chosen better actors BUT because I love the books so much, I can't help but love the movies regardless of the acting skill. So the third movie is coming out in stores tonight at midnight and I'm pretty excited - it's definitely the best one so far, acting isn't incredible awful! So all of that to say: my hubby knows how much I love it, and although he's not a fan...we're spending Sunday watching the first three movies on the couch :) hahahaha. poor guy! But he's so wonderful :) I think the only reason he agreed to that is because he's secretly in love with the girl who plays Alice ;) If you've never read or watched them before and are interested: START WITH THE BOOKS!!!! And here is one thing: I'm not into Vampires and stuff like that, never have been. But this isn't the intense Vampireness of say True Blood. It's kind of the back story, the main part of these books is the love story and it is incredible!
Okay enough of Twilight. So I actually wasn't able to weigh this morning, when I woke up there was a text from my boss saying the other lady I work with was sick and they needed me to come in early. I was out of bed and out the door within 12 minutes! Pretty proud of myself :) But obviously couldn't weigh, I did weigh yesterday however and I did lose...but don't get excited it was .1 pound. hahaha. I'm doing well on my diet, obviously it's not my main focus but I'm trying to turn it into a life style other than a diet. I used to think of it as a lifestyle until I wanted to do my crunch time and that changed it all. So that's where I am with the diet, as for my healing time. I'm not there yet...I'm not sure I know how to start the process right now. I know if I would have been normal and started it two months ago I would have been fine. Now? Not so much. And I know I'll never get over this, I'm still not over the first one. But I did move on from the first one. I need to get to the point where I can move on from the second one. Anyway thank you all for your comments and encouragement, it meant SO much to me :) I love you all! Have a great weekend! Until next time
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
92.
Warning: This post....is intense and emotional for me. It's not one of my regular posts.
Happy Wednesday everyone :) Sorry I haven't had a post for a week! I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving, and if you went Black Friday shopping I hope you came home with awesome deals! Friday I was busy spending time with my husband, but I would have told you, I'm not happy with how I did on Thanksgiving, well I am...but I'm not at the same time. I had one spoon full of mashed potatoes -and you guys probably don't know mashed potatoes are my WEAKNESS I could do a whole plate of just that. So one spoon was good for me, and I had one roll, some dressing, a few slices of ham -I don't like Turkey-, and lots of green beans. Then I was doing really well not eating any of the desserts there...until I saw there was a banana pudding thing. I ended up sharing some with my hubby :( I was fine with eating a roll, I bought whole wheat so I could have one. but I didn't want to have dressing, mashed potatoes OR dessert. What I am happy about, is I didn't even have one plate full of food, and half of that food was the green beans. So that's still good for Thanksgiving - but I still ate too much. I didn't gain weight that day, but the next day I did gain. It wasn't a big number at all...but not losing the day before added with that put me back a bit. I didn't do bad on my diet on Friday...but I did have a hot chocolate. A hot chocolate and doing perfect on my diet. Anyway if you couldn't tell I was more than frustrated. It's cold out and I love to be able to have a hot chocolate, not every day of course but sometimes. And yes you could say I can just have tea? But I have tea EVERY DAY. I want a hot chocolate sometimes!!!! :( Anyway that had upset me, so I didn't really pay attention to what I ate the rest of the weekend. -I don't know why I do that, I've always been an emotional eater (i.e. after the miscarriage) but it's frustrating I don't want to be like that- I didn't gain or lose anything this weekend which of course put me back a little bit more. SO that was this weekend...
Then my hubby and I had a very long very emotional talk Monday night. Ever since the miscarriage I'm constantly asking him to help me with my diet, because I've been finding it harder and harder to do it. I know I've talked about this a few times, and then I think....Okay! I got it now and I'm gonna push through this! And I'm sure you've all seen in my posts that I'm still really struggling. Struggling with gaining weight when I do perfect on my diet, struggling with when I gain weight just eating something I shouldn't. Struggling with not being able to say no to bad foods. So he finally just told me, "Either you're on your diet or you're not." that pulled me up short, I hadn't been expecting anything like that from him, and that started a 3 hour talk about what's going on with me. I found out a lot about me that night and I'll tell you, it's funny how much you can lie to yourself.
I've been telling everyone, including myself, that I'm fine with the most recent miscarriage and that I'm getting on with my life. And the truth is I'm not. At all apparently. For some reason -subconsciously- I'm just not letting go. Also, I know this isn't true, but I can't stop thinking that my miscarriages are my fault; and honestly, it's really messing with me. I feel like such a big part of me died when that happened, and I can't find that part of me anymore no matter how hard I try. And in there, is the part of me that gets me to push on, know what I want and go for it. It's like I can't find the me that wants to do something for me to make me happy; and that includes my diet and losing weight. I want to, but I can't find it in me to try to do it. I eat healthy, I don't eat a lot. I still eat anywhere from 900-1200 calories in a day. But if a cookie is in front of me, I can't find a reason not to eat it. Anyway there's a lot more to that story, but I can't figure out the words to put it out there.
So that was Monday and I've been dealing with that ever since. It's been really hard, that realization brought with it a lot of hard emotions and truths I didn't want to admit. I've been waiting for something since then to help me heal and get through this. -I know...it's been two months since the miscarriage and I should already be past this point, but I didn't take time to heal then. I just focused on putting it out of my mind instead of dealing with it- So then The Biggest Loser came on last night, but I didn't watch it until I opened up my computer to write this. I'd already seen the results so I just had it on and was kinda going in and out. Then the part where they put all their weight back on and had to do the step-ups and mile came on. At that point I was writing my post and it had something to do with I'm having a hard time right now, please understand I need some time. There might not be another post until next week...and then I hear this song coming from the TV. So I stopped typing and listened more...next thing I know I have tears streaming down my face. I went and downloaded it on iTunes really fast so I could hear the whole thing and then I started crying harder. It's called "Breathe" by Ryan Star. Here is part of the song:
"Breathe, just breathe, take the world off your shoulders and put it on me. Breathe, just breathe, let the life that you live be all that you need. Let go of the fear, let go of the doubt, let go of the ones that try to put you down. You're gonna be fine, don't hold it inside, if you hurt right now then let it all come out."
I really needed that song to come into my life. Thank you Biggest Loser. After that I deleted everything and started over. You guys need to know my struggles...that's what my whole blog is about! And me not telling you of my struggles is what got me to the place I was at on Monday. Not able to do anything for myself, not able to let go, not able to find the me who could push through this weight issue. So now I'm healing, and I'm praying I can put all of Molly back together. My husband is amazing, and he's been nothing but supportive and there for me. Thank you Cory :) and thank you for that simple sentence that made me learn so much.
I've been putting my difficult times, and struggles aside because I "needed to lose weight before I saw my family again." in the end it did nothing but backfire. So family...I don't know where I'll be at Christmas. I'm still hoping I'll be where I was when Mom came in July. But until I fix myself, I can't conquer this mountain known as my weight.
You know how I knew it just got to be too much? On Monday and yesterday I did perfect on my diet. I MEAN PERFECT. Perfect perfect. I walked 2 miles Monday, and 1 mile yesterday. You know what? I gained 1.5 pounds. I ate 1100 calories both days. 1.5 pounds. There's definitely something wrong there right? I'm still going to be eating healthy and sticking to the Thyroid Diet as much as possible. But I can't be focused on that right now, it can't be my only goal. I have my life, my emotions, and my sanity to focus on. I hope you guys agree that I need to have those in order in order to make my life about losing weight. I WILL CONTINUE my blogging every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. and I will continue to let you know how I'm doing with my weight loss. But my blog will also be about how I'm doing. So let's get this weight off my shoulders so I can lose the weight in my stomach eh? :) I love you all. Thank you for being there.
Until next time :)
Happy Wednesday everyone :) Sorry I haven't had a post for a week! I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving, and if you went Black Friday shopping I hope you came home with awesome deals! Friday I was busy spending time with my husband, but I would have told you, I'm not happy with how I did on Thanksgiving, well I am...but I'm not at the same time. I had one spoon full of mashed potatoes -and you guys probably don't know mashed potatoes are my WEAKNESS I could do a whole plate of just that. So one spoon was good for me, and I had one roll, some dressing, a few slices of ham -I don't like Turkey-, and lots of green beans. Then I was doing really well not eating any of the desserts there...until I saw there was a banana pudding thing. I ended up sharing some with my hubby :( I was fine with eating a roll, I bought whole wheat so I could have one. but I didn't want to have dressing, mashed potatoes OR dessert. What I am happy about, is I didn't even have one plate full of food, and half of that food was the green beans. So that's still good for Thanksgiving - but I still ate too much. I didn't gain weight that day, but the next day I did gain. It wasn't a big number at all...but not losing the day before added with that put me back a bit. I didn't do bad on my diet on Friday...but I did have a hot chocolate. A hot chocolate and doing perfect on my diet. Anyway if you couldn't tell I was more than frustrated. It's cold out and I love to be able to have a hot chocolate, not every day of course but sometimes. And yes you could say I can just have tea? But I have tea EVERY DAY. I want a hot chocolate sometimes!!!! :( Anyway that had upset me, so I didn't really pay attention to what I ate the rest of the weekend. -I don't know why I do that, I've always been an emotional eater (i.e. after the miscarriage) but it's frustrating I don't want to be like that- I didn't gain or lose anything this weekend which of course put me back a little bit more. SO that was this weekend...
Then my hubby and I had a very long very emotional talk Monday night. Ever since the miscarriage I'm constantly asking him to help me with my diet, because I've been finding it harder and harder to do it. I know I've talked about this a few times, and then I think....Okay! I got it now and I'm gonna push through this! And I'm sure you've all seen in my posts that I'm still really struggling. Struggling with gaining weight when I do perfect on my diet, struggling with when I gain weight just eating something I shouldn't. Struggling with not being able to say no to bad foods. So he finally just told me, "Either you're on your diet or you're not." that pulled me up short, I hadn't been expecting anything like that from him, and that started a 3 hour talk about what's going on with me. I found out a lot about me that night and I'll tell you, it's funny how much you can lie to yourself.
I've been telling everyone, including myself, that I'm fine with the most recent miscarriage and that I'm getting on with my life. And the truth is I'm not. At all apparently. For some reason -subconsciously- I'm just not letting go. Also, I know this isn't true, but I can't stop thinking that my miscarriages are my fault; and honestly, it's really messing with me. I feel like such a big part of me died when that happened, and I can't find that part of me anymore no matter how hard I try. And in there, is the part of me that gets me to push on, know what I want and go for it. It's like I can't find the me that wants to do something for me to make me happy; and that includes my diet and losing weight. I want to, but I can't find it in me to try to do it. I eat healthy, I don't eat a lot. I still eat anywhere from 900-1200 calories in a day. But if a cookie is in front of me, I can't find a reason not to eat it. Anyway there's a lot more to that story, but I can't figure out the words to put it out there.
So that was Monday and I've been dealing with that ever since. It's been really hard, that realization brought with it a lot of hard emotions and truths I didn't want to admit. I've been waiting for something since then to help me heal and get through this. -I know...it's been two months since the miscarriage and I should already be past this point, but I didn't take time to heal then. I just focused on putting it out of my mind instead of dealing with it- So then The Biggest Loser came on last night, but I didn't watch it until I opened up my computer to write this. I'd already seen the results so I just had it on and was kinda going in and out. Then the part where they put all their weight back on and had to do the step-ups and mile came on. At that point I was writing my post and it had something to do with I'm having a hard time right now, please understand I need some time. There might not be another post until next week...and then I hear this song coming from the TV. So I stopped typing and listened more...next thing I know I have tears streaming down my face. I went and downloaded it on iTunes really fast so I could hear the whole thing and then I started crying harder. It's called "Breathe" by Ryan Star. Here is part of the song:
"Breathe, just breathe, take the world off your shoulders and put it on me. Breathe, just breathe, let the life that you live be all that you need. Let go of the fear, let go of the doubt, let go of the ones that try to put you down. You're gonna be fine, don't hold it inside, if you hurt right now then let it all come out."
I really needed that song to come into my life. Thank you Biggest Loser. After that I deleted everything and started over. You guys need to know my struggles...that's what my whole blog is about! And me not telling you of my struggles is what got me to the place I was at on Monday. Not able to do anything for myself, not able to let go, not able to find the me who could push through this weight issue. So now I'm healing, and I'm praying I can put all of Molly back together. My husband is amazing, and he's been nothing but supportive and there for me. Thank you Cory :) and thank you for that simple sentence that made me learn so much.
I've been putting my difficult times, and struggles aside because I "needed to lose weight before I saw my family again." in the end it did nothing but backfire. So family...I don't know where I'll be at Christmas. I'm still hoping I'll be where I was when Mom came in July. But until I fix myself, I can't conquer this mountain known as my weight.
You know how I knew it just got to be too much? On Monday and yesterday I did perfect on my diet. I MEAN PERFECT. Perfect perfect. I walked 2 miles Monday, and 1 mile yesterday. You know what? I gained 1.5 pounds. I ate 1100 calories both days. 1.5 pounds. There's definitely something wrong there right? I'm still going to be eating healthy and sticking to the Thyroid Diet as much as possible. But I can't be focused on that right now, it can't be my only goal. I have my life, my emotions, and my sanity to focus on. I hope you guys agree that I need to have those in order in order to make my life about losing weight. I WILL CONTINUE my blogging every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. and I will continue to let you know how I'm doing with my weight loss. But my blog will also be about how I'm doing. So let's get this weight off my shoulders so I can lose the weight in my stomach eh? :) I love you all. Thank you for being there.
Until next time :)
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