Friends, I'm so so sorry about disappearing on y'all again when I just promised I wouldn't. If I had the time right now I would create a chart of exactly why I haven't been posting. But I'm about to fall asleep so I'll just type it! 70% is because with my new job -that I love btw-, I really do not have time! And when I'm home and not sleeping my husband, I have been incredibly busy with friends and preparing for our move, then when we aren't doing that we're trying to spend quality time together before crashing for the night! The other 30% is two things, but they kind of have to do with each other. The first part is 25%, I have started going about my life again, I LOVE my new job, Cory and I are hanging out with our friends and I'm happy so much. But there is something just not connecting in my brain that will let me move on from the pain. I don't know if it's having two miscarriages in 4.5 months, (which of course makes a total of 3 in a year and a half) or what but I have never experienced this kind of a broken heart and spirit. I don't know if I should say it on here, because I know some of these women read my blog...but I'm always honest with y'all. Right before I got pregnant the second time, My sister, and a friend got pregnant...right after two friends became pregnant as well. Well my sister and the first friend had their babies this week. And the other two are talking about the excitement of it happening soon. Don't get me wrong. I AM SO SO SO SO EXCITED for all of them, especially my sister who just brought the most beautiful girl into this world. But every time I see a picture or post on facebook it's like I get stabbed in the heart and stomach at once. and, well, it's definitely not helping with me trying to heal. AGAIN, I am not blaming THEM for anything, nor am I anything less than thrilled for them. It's just my own personal demons I'm dealing with that are enjoying that that's happening at this time. So that's 25%, and because of that I can't find it in me to TRY to eat healthy and diet. The last 5% is me just not knowing what to do. I'm not trying, nor do I want to right now. Err, let me phrase that differently, I want so badly to be thinner...SO badly...but I don't want to go through the act of trying to acheive that right now. So I didn't know what to tell you guys in a post whenever I remembered to post as I was climbing into bed.
I'm sorry I disappeared....and I'm sorry if I'm disappointing you by not trying. My mind, body, heart and spirit are not even on separate pages right now...they're all in different BOOKS! I'll try to keep y'all updated more, but like I said that first 70% makes it harder to post than before. I love you all very much, and hope to hear from you.
Molly, I think you are being too hard on yourself. You have been on a roller coaster of emotions the last year and a half. Of course you are happy for your pregnant friends but you hear of these emotions that you are having all the time. You have suffered three losses. It doesn't matter how far along you were, they are still the babies you had hopes and dreams for.
ReplyDeleteQuit worrying about your weight; I don't think I could handle weight issues right now either or anything else for that matter. Enjoy the new job, your friends and your new place.
If I could say one thing about dieting, I would suggest that you weigh yourself only once a week. I know it's hard but maybe it would make it easier on you not to do the daily weigh in's.
You take care of yourself!
Molly, I can relate, in a different way, to what you are going through. I think I have mentioned that I suffer from Hypo and infertility - unexplained infertility. I've had every test to determine why I can't get pregnant (hubby was also tested). I've been pumped full of the follicle stimulating drugs and to no avail, I have never been pregnant. So, I don't have the same heartbreak that you have had with your miscarriages, but apparently every month that you go through the cycle of fertility meds and produce nothing is likened to a miscarriage. At the same time that I was going through all of that, my friends were having baby after baby. I felt like every woman I'd see anywhere was pregnant. Even though I was happy for them, I'd just go home and cry sometimes for my inablility to share their experience.
ReplyDeleteI'm so very happy to hear that you are spending time with your friends and your husband. Your couple time is the best thing to focus on! My first marriage ended and the stress of all the infertility/sadness/stress really contributed to the fallout of that relationship. I'm now married again (going on 7 years). We also tried a few cycles of the fertility meds with no luck. We then started down that path of adoption and just over 3 1/2 years ago brought home the most beautiful little girl! I still get a little sad EVERY time my period comes, I still hold out some level of hope that my body will surprise me. I'm better at dealing with it now but it's been a process and that doesn't come over night.
Do what you can, when you can. Put yourself first and your friends out here in blogland will understand!
Take care,
Brenda
I Never Held You, a book about miscarriage, healing and recovery. I Never Held You: A book about miscarriage, healing, and recovery.
ReplyDeleteAs a sufferer of miscarriage and author of I Never Held You, it gives me great pleasure to present these books on miscarriage, healing and recovery. When I miscarried fifteen-years ago, I couldn't find anything that spoke to my heart, my pain, my grief. Bookstores only served to magnify my pain because most of the books dealt with having a baby, NOT losing one. As you can see from this list, and it's just the tip of the iceberg, today is a new day. Women and their families who have suffered a miscarriage, or multiple miscarriages, finally have the HOPE I searched for and never found all those years ago. No longer is a woman's grief dismissed after a miscarriage. No longer is she left in the dark to fend for herself without closure, understanding...HELP. Here is a partial list of great miscarriage support books I am proud to present to you. I am proud of the authors for creating such valuable support resources for the woman who has miscarried. I wish you hope, healing and recovery:
This is the back jacket of my book: "I Never Held You: Finally a book that speaks to the heart of women who have miscarried! If you've suffered a miscarriage, you don't need medical jargon- you need someone who understands what you're going through and doesn't dismiss it. In this groundbreaking book, author Ellen DuBois tells of her painful experiences after miscarriage and shares tools that helped her get through the toughest of times- from prayer to relaxation techniques. I Never Held You validates a woman's grief and gently suggests ways to get through the grief process. If you're looking for understanding and help after miscarriage, this is the book for you. With Forward and commentaries by Dr. Linda R. Backman and a chapter by Reiki and Shamballa Master Anna Pizzoferrato. Companion Website: MiscarriageHelp.com"
Molly... I understand what you are saying here. I had 2 miscarriages in a year (last year). I was 17 weeks along with them both. I saw the babies... was heart breaking. My first little nephew was going to be within weeks apart and he is here.. cutest little guy ever, and although I am excited about him it saddens me too. I fully understand the feelings you have. I wish I could give you some advise as to what worked for me, but I am still going threw those same feelings. Just know you are not alone.
ReplyDeleteMolly,
ReplyDeleteRight now just take care of yourself and most of all don't judge yourself or your feelings about the good fortune of others. Just be good to yourself and when you can be good, be good and when you can't...well just don't be that hard on yourself. Sometimes it takes a long time to figure out why things go they way they do...God always has a plan for us and we must have the faith that we can endure and learn and be stronger at the end of every trial. You are stronger than you think and surrounded by love. Don't be afraid to feel your pain and lean on those that love you.
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Molly I am not disappointed in you I just want you to take care of yourself because you have been through so much sadness in the last year or so . Stop being so hard on yourself and just try to enjoy life your husband and new job. When you are well physically and emotionally the other things will happen. Blessings Sandra
ReplyDeleteMolly, I had a rough pregnancy. Delivered two months early. Docs didn't know why she came out early, but said I would probably have another preemie or worse. Hubby and I decided not to have anymore children. Seven years later, luckily, my little girl is healthy now. I found out a few years ago that I had Hashimoto's. Now I realize I've probably had it for a while and this explained why my pregnancy was rough. My thyroid antibody attacks and malaise, fibro, etc, didn't stop until I did the elimination diet and quit food intolerances such as gluten, which is a biggie for those with thyroid disease. I first read about it through Dr. Kharrazian @ www.thyroidbook.com . He explains the Hashi/gut connection as well as why those with high antibody counts should work to lower their antibodies before getting pregnant. I am feeling better than I've felt in a long time, despite having this disease. If I'd known then what I know now, hubby and I could have had another baby, but I've heard vasecotmy reversals are no fun. LOL. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about what you have been through. Last year I fell pregnant 3 times - the last time has so far stayed put. I know how hard it is to lose a baby and to also see your friends having babies. It works I also have (along with Hashi's) antiphospholip antibodies...another autoimmune disease. Its not that uncommon to have more than one. APS, as its known, causes sticky blood so your blood can't get through the tiny blood vessels of the placenta. I have to inject heparin every day which is really horrible, but will be worth it. I only mention this as maybe you should look into being tested. I hope you have a successful pregnancy very soon.
ReplyDeletemolly! where are you? thinking of you and sending happy thoughts.
ReplyDelete-lucia
Molly - Hope you're doing ok. You're in my thoughts.
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